I lost the love of my life, my best buddy, my biggest fan, a faithful and generous husband, and a good, good man 5 months ago today.
He was taken too soon and too cruelly and a lot of my faith and most of my joy went with him.
I am working hard every day to just keep swimming, to do the next thing, to see the beauty and find the good in what was and what remains. And it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I fail more times a day than I can count, but I am trying and I hope he knows that the effort continues because of who and how he'd want me to be.
When Charlie got sick and we just did what had to be done to fight and survive each day, he teased me that I suddenly was quite the "go getter." He knew better than anyone how innately lazy I could be. I think it amused him that it took a terminal diagnosis for him to shake me out of my natural tendencies.
So, buddy, I hope you are impressed and smiling and a little amused at how "ambitious" your wife can be even though every action and thought takes more energy than I ever thought possible. All it took was the worst thing ever. Gallows humor, in a way, but you'd get it and you'd laugh. I miss that too: the way we "got" each other and your laugh. God, I miss your laugh.
Love,
Jen
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